Friend explains why he doesn't want to be a counselor

Here's me as a couples therapist:

Wife: He never pays attention to me. He always goes golfing.

Husband: She never wants to have sex. She's always complaining.

Me: [gunshot to head]

Wife: You should call an ambulance.

Husband: Stop bossing me around.

This, too, may be behind the scenes at your local fast food joint

Friends: "We are so happy and learning much English but please help us, there is one word we do not understand."

Me: "Sure! What word?"

Friends: "Makeita."

Me: "What??"

Friends: "Makeita."

Me: "Um, can you say that again? I don't recognize it."

Friends (trying again):"Makeita."

Me: "Um, still doesn't sound familiar. Can you tell me the context? How are people using it?"

Friends: "They come to the drive through and they say 'Makeita #5' or "Makeita #1 with large fries."

Me: "Ohhh! They are saying 'Make it a'...!"

Questionable food choices as revealed by rural vending machines

You see the strangest things in rural rest stations. Just passed a vending machine in North Carolina and we have:

-- Vienna sausages in a can topped with Starburst for dessert. Who put these things together? Is this a trendy culinary pairing I've somehow never heard about?

-- Giant iced honeybun which is larger than the circumference of my face and should not be attempted to eat after leaving a rest station, because the next rest station is 100 miles away and you'll need one 10 minutes after ingesting.

-- A dill pickle. I tried one in a theater once. It's a great way to make friends. It took 10 minutes just to extract it from the package (which cannot be done quietly) until it exploded like a vinegar bomb and sprayed sour pickle juice all over me and also within a 3-row radius and I still had 87 minutes of movie left. It doesn't seem like the soundest choice for a road trip, unless of course, you are alone.

-- Tuna sandwich. The only time I ever got food poisoning from a vending machine was during a terrible lapse of judgement when I was on a deadline and starving at 9pm and decided to trust a turkey snack pack. So that's never happening again.

-- Not pictured but you can eat your weight in fake Oreos for $1.25 if you so desired.

The array of choices is boundless!

You're welcome

I'm a good friend.

Friend: I may have to get nasal surgery. Please research?

Me: Looks fine. Just make sure they don't cut too deep and let your spinal fluid out. Rare side effect. I'll send you some links.

The difference between men and women

"Laundry?" (J/k!)

An entry from my diary a year ago today

1. Wake before dawn.

2. Run table at craft fair.

3. Run errands on way home, arrive home spent but everything is done!

4. Discover plumbing emergency.

5. Shut off water to the house.

6. Feel proud at mad homeowner skillz. I can turn a valve!

7. Feel relieved that the sound of rushing water in wall has dissipated.

8. Calmly call warranty company.

9. Calmly call plumber #1.

10. Slightly less calmly, call plumber #2.

11. Call plumber #3.

12. DOESN'T ANYONE WORK SATURDAY NIGHT

13. Oh, right... it's Saturday night...

14. Photograph water stains in downstairs neighbor's unit that are my fault.

15. Await confirmation from whichever plumber decides to show up.

16. Decide whether to spend the evening dirty and thirsty or go to a hotel.

17. Go to hotel. Put roommates up in separate room.

18. Fight with insurance company about paying for it.

Insurance company: "We only pay for the hotel if the house is uninhabitable, like it doesn't have running water or something like that."

Me: "It _doesn't_ have running water."

Insurance company: "Right, but that's because you voluntarily turned it off."

Me: "And the other option was what? Leave it on so it could pour into my downstairs neighbor's unit all night long??"

It was a fight but they finally did pay.

A tip: insurance companies always have a weird out. Like, it was the water line to the fridge that broke. They would have covered the ice line, but not the water line, but isn't I've water first? There is no such thing as an ice line. Fine print is so weird.

Anyway. Memories!

Conversations with best friends